The Complex ?’s of the Universe: Answered

So I got a lot of action on my “welcome to this blog” post. LOTS. Like, 10 times more than I thought I would. I don’t know what that means, but I know that I got this pretty great response to my “what would you like me to blog about” question (thanks, Christina):

– How to spell the sounds a fart makes.
– The average amount of dust bunnies you can hold in one swiffer refill.
– The exact origination of the mustache fad and the estimated length of its existence.
– The pros and cons of at least four different shades of turquoise.
– Your personal opinion on which STD you believe will be the “next big one.” Also, your thoughts on any STDs in which we may not yet have discovered.
– The mating habits of asexual porcupines.
– The taste of windshield frost.

I feel like these are probably some of the most complex questions of the universe, so addressing them ASAP was probs the wisest of all the choices I could make. Let’s get started, shall we…

1) The sound of a fart –
There are lots of different farts out there. Some of them don’t even make a sound. If I sit and think of all the farts I’ve encountered in my nearly 30 years of life, I think most would be spelled using only consonants. Which is weird, because I feel like most farts are also kind of wet sounding, and wet sounding means lots of vowels. To wrap up this completely disgusting conversation: depending on whether the fart is wet or dry, it’s going to be lots of vowels or lots of consonants. Never both. You’re welcome.

2) Swiffer dust bunny capacity –
If you don’t have a Swiffer duster, you’re just not very smart. Swiffer dusters are awesome stuff. And, no, Swiffer is not endorcing this conversation (but if you want to send me some stuff, Swiffer, I’ll review it and say nice things!), I just like and use their products regularly. My duster tends to hold a LOT of dust bunnies. I don’t dust often enough, despite loving my Swiffer duster, but when I do, I can dust my whole place (which is something like a 700 square foot apartment). And then I shake my duster out outside and use it for more time. So lots. Lots of dust bunnies is the answer. Probably just a few short of infinity dust bunnies. Just make sure you shake viciously.

3) Mustache fad –
In investigating this quite intriguing topic, I ran across this post. I think it really sums up the answer to this. Mustaches aren’t a fad. Mustaches are FOREVER! Every few years when hipsters become a “thing” again, it stands to remind everyone of the awesomeness of the mustache. But in reality, that fuzzy little worm of facial hair is always cool somewhere. Now, men, go participate in Movember. Or, if you’re more MY type of guy, go all the way with No Shave November. And send me pictures. Seriously. I see a future post coming on…

4) The color turquoise –
There are no cons to turquoise. Done.

5) STDs –
Aren’t ALL STD’s big? And disgusting? Go get yourself checked, whores of the world! And make sure he wraps it. Because EWWWW. Or just stop being whores. Then we can stop having this discussion. Because EWWWW.

6) Porcupine sex –
Porcupines are adorable. Seriously. Have you seen a porcupine?!

Baby porcupines are the CUTEST! EVER!

I can’t be bothered with their sex lives when this is the result, because I’m just pointing at my screen going “AWWWW!” But I assume that having sex is super dangerous for a porcupine, because don’t they get all pokey when they’re excited?! Wow…that was the most inappropriate sentence EVER. I’m not sorry…

7) Windshield frost –
I have yet to lick a windshield in my life. One) because I no longer have a car. Two) because when I did have a car, it was rarely clean. Because of #2 there, I assume my windshield frost would have tasted like bugs and bird shit and other generally unpleasant things. BUT! If I was Buddy the Elf, I would assume that all windshield frost tasted like christmas. This all makes sense to me. And Buddy.

Well, you’re welcome, universe. Dawn has come to the rescue again. I hope this has been educational.* I think I like this game. If you have other questions you feel I would be the best at answering, please comment below and maybe YOUR tough questions will be answered next time!

*This is not at all educational. I made these answers up.

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