Overwhelmed and Underwhelmed

So much has gone on the past couple of months (and, yes, I promise to address it soon) that lately I feel I’m either completely overwhelmed by everything and, thus, want to just crawl up in bed and stay there. Or I’m completely underwhelmed by everything and, thus, want to just crawl up in bed and stay there. Basically, I’m a big pathetic bum these days, who has to force myself to put on a damn smile and act like I’m okay (it’s definitely a big act these days) and leave my bed/couch.

Honesty moment: I’m trying desperately to make life feel like it did before October 6th. There has to a point where things start to feel like they’re going back uphill instead of just sitting in a pit of crap, but I haven’t hit it yet. If I’m happy…it’s an act. If I’m smiling…it’s through pain and frustration. If I say I’m good…I’m probably lying. But maybe if I act and lie enough, it’ll turn things around and be true?

I am “me” to a fault sometimes though. Even if it’s not to my benefit. I don’t like asking for help. I don’t like admitting weakness (hence, this post is not easy to write). I don’t like admitting I feel like, or am, at a dead end and not sure where to go, or what to do, next. I don’t like having a plan. I don’t like not knowing how to fix things.

Pseudo-apologies for the completely lame post, but I feel like honesty is just as important as being happy. And, let’s be honest, a lot of people struggle with not being happy. Or being depressed. Or tough moments. Or hit a fork in the proverbial road that put them in a spot where they don’t know what to do. I’m there. I’m with you. Logically I am totally aware that things WILL get better. HAVE TO get better. But right now they’re not. And that’s okay, too. And it’s okay to admit that shit sucks and you don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

So to everyone out there feeling like they’re at the bottom of a really big mountain that looks impossible to climb: HUUUUUUUGS! ❤ Because we will get there. We will find our happy again. But until then, go ahead and cuddle up in bed with a funny movie. Or a sad one. Cry a little. Or a lot. And it’s okay, because we’re human and life happens and sometimes we need to wallow in some pain before we swim in some happy.

5 thoughts on “Overwhelmed and Underwhelmed

  1. Girl. I feel you. I feel you so incredibly much that it was like you wrote this for me. And you are absolutely 100% right. It’s okay to know that things WILL get better, but to also feel all your feelings. (“I just have a lot of feelings.”) If life does currently suck, it’s okay to acknowledge that, and it makes you fake if you don’t. It doesn’t mean you aren’t strong or that you don’t know that this too shall pass and you should look on the bright side and all that stuff. Maybe there really is no bright side right now. Maybe it ALL sucks and that’s just reality. But I find that when you are real and when you just embrace all of life and what it shits on you, you are then free and able to see that hey! There IS a bright side! Look at all these people who love me! I’m not alone! If that’s the only silver lining, grab onto it in between sobs and hopeless despair. Drink your entire bottles of wine in one sitting, stay in bed and cry if you must, but just keep going. And be patient with yourself. Some days all you can do is just get to the end of the day. And that’s okay. There will be sunny patches in the midst of the dark clouds, and you will know that you are loved. Just keep going and don’t give up. Then before you know it, you’re looking back over the past 8 months and realizing that you’ve made it this far…you can make it the rest of the way. And BOOM. An optimist is born. It helps me immensely to know that there is a God who loves me and is right by my side through whatever I’m going through. I can be weak and honest and it’s okay, because He loves me anyway. And I don’t know where I would be without Him.

    I’m here for you, sister!!!! HUUUUGGGGSSSSS right back!

    (That was all to me as well…not just you. Especially the part about 8 months because I’m coming up on 8 months of my life being a living hell THIS SATURDAY! YAY!)

    (And no I’m not on drugs even though I kinda sounded high in some parts of my lengthy comment which turned into its own blog post.) 🙂

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