It’s Motivational Monday here on the blog, and that’s not going to change. I save so many motivational images to my phone and computer. I can’t help it. They speak to me!
Fair warning: Today is kind of heavy. But, as expected, sprinkled with Dawn-like humor and things. Hopefully my story and my obsessive downloading speak to someone else, too. 🙂
It is no secret to people who know me that I am an analyzer. And I analyze almost everything. Intensely. Too much. To the point of over thinking it and stressing myself out. It’s just what I do. But I’m trying to be less so. Not because I want to stop being me…I’ll definitely always be that analyzer who wants to know what/when/how/why, but because I deserve less stress in my life. I’m trying to be better at taking one day at a time. I’m trying to be better at not letting what happened yesterday (or last week or last month) affect today. I’m trying to look in the mirror each day and be happy with who I am NOW. Be happy with who I am, period. As a person. A friend. A leader.
You see, I have spent a lot of time…too much time…blaming myself for my place being broken into in October and all my most loved earthly possessions being stolen from the space that I’m supposed to feel at home and comfortable and safe in. That’s the first time I’ve admitted that out loud to anyone. But it’s true. I’ve dedicated too much of my precious time to thinking I’d done something wrong to deserve it. I’ve dedicated too much of my precious time staying inside on my couch hanging out alone, because I was feeling down on myself and didn’t want the world to see that I’m not always happy-go-lucky Dawn.
I’m just over it. I’m over feeling shitty and lame and keeping it to myself. Sometimes, yes, I’ll probably feel shitty and lame – I am human after all. 🙂 But I’m done letting that rule my every day. I am choosing to be me. Happy-go-lucky me. I’m choosing to be beautiful, awesome, strong me. THAT is what’s going to attract the positive things back into my life that I want there.
So I have dreams and goals and aspirations. Things I want to accomplish this year. Next year. 5 years down the road. I wrote them out. I hung them in my office. I see them every damn day. Because 1) I think vocalizing them in some way is healthy and useful and 2) on the days I’m feeling shitty and lame, I can remember what I’m working toward and maybe focus a little more energy on tomorrow instead of today.
I’ve been told by many a man (and some women) that I’m “intimidating”. And that, I’m starting to realize, is absolutely okay. One of my best friends (HI, CHRISTY!!!) sent this to me the other day and it just hits me, because, seriously, part of loving me is loving that I’m stubborn sometimes, that I may be “intimidating” because I have been doing just fine on my own for quite a while and don’t need you per say, that I’ve got a mind like a filthy sailor, that I’m completely obsessed with Hanson and HIMYM, and so much more.
Part of my future is that I want a good relationship. I may not want children, which singles out some men for sure, but I’d like to find someone I can be with. Not to sit here and spell out all my needs and wants for a relationship to you, because you don’t care, and it’s not for you to care about (unless you’re him…in which case, HI! but let’s talk about it privately haha), but I’d like to be with someone someday who is my better half, my partner. Someone who likes that I can take care of myself and let’s him have his own life, too. I want him to be that someone that I WANT to be there. Not because I need him, but because I WANT him. Honestly, it’s true, I don’t…I don’t NEED you. I’ve been taking care of myself for a while now. Paying my bills. Doing the adult thing. And I’ve mostly been single or casually dating through most of my adult life, so I don’t NEED a man in any traditional sense. But I absolutely want one. Someday. Someday it will happen. The right man will come along who thinks my “intimidating” factors are the best part of me. And I’ll hug him for it. And it’ll be amazing. Haha.
I’m really great at single. I’m content with single. But I’m a super kickass girlfriend. And I make really great pancakes AND watch sports. 🙂
And, to sum it up, this seems about right. I’ve had what has absolutely been the most trying year of my life for so many damn reasons that I’ve lost count. I’ve had down days and OHSOGOOD days. I’ve had days where I’ve questioned if I’ve made the right decisions or took the wrong path. I’ve had days where I know for certain that this is where I’m supposed to be right this very instant. I’ve had: Weird days. Happy days. Sad days. Ecstatic days. Confusing days. Curl-up-in-a-ball days. But through it all, I’m trying to learn that I just need to look at my dreams and goals and keep on going. Keep fighting for them and for myself. No matter what happens. Because despite the shittiest shit, the awesome stuff is REALLY awesome. And in the end, it all makes me who I am. And I wouldn’t change THAT for anything.