The (scary & weird) World of…INTERNET DATING!

Let’s be honest, no one’s getting younger here. Despite everyone thinking I’m 24 years old (clearly a win in my book), there lies the actual fact that I will be celebrating my 25th 32nd birthday in December. When you’re in your 20s and single, you’ll get the occasional comment and/or question, but it’s overwhelmingly acceptable to be figuring out who/where/what you are doing with your life, thus making singledom completely okay! Focus on yourself! Your career! Your friends! The rest will come, they say!

Then you cross that magical 3-0 line… Suddenly it’s confusing to EVERYONE (and I do mean everyone…thank you for your input on my life, complete strangers) that you, great/awesome/magnificent/intelligent/howthehellcouldsomeonelikeyoubesingle?! you, are alone. And you know that you’re not really alone. Because, let’s be honest, your best friends are way more loyal than any guy anyway. But why, oh dear sweet baby jebus, WHY!? are you still single?!

I know I say all that in an overly dramatic, tongue-in-cheek way, but I know that many of you are in my boat…and you’re sitting here nodding your head in agreement, like the Justin Timberlake bobble doll I used to have in my ’95 Chevy Beretta. You know that awkwardness of attending the weddings of two out of three of your (all younger) siblings alone. All the questions. The stares. The awkward everything. So, I digress…

When you’re in these shoes, you begin to ponder. Over-analyze even (no? just me? oh. okay.). You wonder how DO you meet people outside of the social constructs of high school and college? You begin to understand those facts you’ve seen about adults meeting and marrying people they work with, because that’s their majority social interaction. And then you also live in a world with the modern convenience of *drum roll please* INTERNET DATING!

Internet dating is…interesting. I’m new to it. I’m still unsure and cautious. It’s, so far, a strange mix of people who are actually wanting to be in relationships vs. people who just want something casual/hook-up/share-their-weirdness. And, don’t worry, I am ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY going to be blogging about my experiences, which are as entertaining as you’d imagine. 🙂 But this is about just internet dating in general. I’ve encountered some extremely annoying things that seem to be way too common. So, guys of the internet dating world, let me enlighten you to some things you seem to like to do…because STOP IT. The following things are not helping your case of singledom:

  • Pretty please put up photos of just you! I don’t know who you are in that photo of you and 50 of your closest friends and I’m not interested in the hot girl you’re posing with either. I will literally go right past you in both of these scenarios and not think twice. #learnhowtotakeaproperselfie #orgiveyourcameratosomeone #swipeleft (Unless you write a funny quip in your profile about how you know it’s everyone’s wish to try to guess which one you are in the group pic, which I actually stumbled upon recently and it made me laugh out loud and #swiperight. Touché to you, sir.)
  • Also, I get it…you fish (is this just a Florida thing?!), but put that in your profile as something you enjoy doing, don’t put a photo of you holding dead fish. (And certainly don’t put a photo of you kissing that dead fish, which also is a thing that has happened. #swipeleftamilliontimes)
  • Your shirtless photo doesn’t impress me. Stop it. You automatically look like a tool if your photo, especially your main photo, is you flexing without a shirt on. #notimpressed #cuddlingwitharockisnotfun #swipeleft
  • And, for pete’s sake, write something, anything, pseudo interesting about yourself! “Ask me anything, I’m an open book!” is not a convo starter nor is it a sign that you are interesting! (It is a sign, however, that you are too lazy to care about your profile, so #byefelicia! #swipeleft)
  • Lastly, sweet baby jebus, if you’re matched with someone, start a dang convo, ya pansy!!! You cannot use the “but it’s the 21st century” excuse. Be a man. If you’re interested, SAY. HI. (Say hi, don’t say anything dirty, ask questions to get to know me, and then ask me out. Leave a little mystery, and be a grown up.)

Since I told you that I’m going to be telling you about my adventures, you can guess that these tips are often not followed. The stories, though, are pretty funny and worthy of (anonymously) sharing.

While you wait in anxious anticipation to hear about my luck, what is the one tip YOU would give someone dating online?


5 thoughts on “The (scary & weird) World of…INTERNET DATING!

  1. No expectations! I mean really don’t have any. Honestly 9/10 guys are gonna be a total disappointment. Sorry but it’s true. I recently just gave up completely.

  2. Phone screen if at all possible. I have met many men who I found incredibly clever through emails and texting only to find them dull in person. If you’re able to strike a common chord via a phone call, chances are, your date with that person will be similarly comfortable. Also, I never tried this myself because I heard this after I had met someone whom I’m dating still, but someone I know always aimed to create interesting situations (ie. getting lost, etc.) early on to see how their date would handle them.
    Best of luck!!

    • I phone screened the last one. But then in person he was so different. Hahaha. Story coming soon, but one of the first things was him telling me had pledged Hell’s Angels in the past haha. Um. Okay?! Such an interesting world, the Internet dating… 🙂

      • Indeed it is. Listen, duds will sneak through despite many cautionary tests you spring on them. That’s the nature of Internet dating. It can be loads of fun though.
        Looking forward to the full story!

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